if i had to choose between the world & Andrew, i would choose Andrew. Everytime. Its always gunna be him.

im so beyond hurt & anger that i dont know what to feel anymore

18

So yesterday i hit the big 18, & it feels different being an "adult"..here come the responsibilities. Time to grow up, get to work and accomplish bigger goals.

FFA convention today at MSU, excited! (:

the sweetest thing happened to me today..
so im at work today already not having a great day && this little girl comes in with her dad im guessing and she's just soo cheery talking about barbeque while i was exchanging their propane tank and as theyre walking away she says "we're having chicken!" (: it made me smile for one. then she runs back in here with a laffy taffy, runs up to me and hands it to me and says "Happy Easter!" and walks out. It Made My Day.

Andrew ♥

i love you more and more everyday. the more i cant stop thinking about you the bigger my smiles get. you make me feel like i never have before, wanted for who i am. i can be myself with you and not have to worry about getting judged or being cut down. i love that. i love who you are. i think you are a beautiful person. i would never ask you to change a thing about you ♥
i fell for you the hardest. you make me see things in a different aspect, & open up my imagination to let me see things differently. i like it. i am so in love with you. i could never imagine being without you for its like asking for the end. ill give you my heart & soul. body & mind. anything you want i want to give it to you. i wanna be the only one you turn to. your shoulder to cry on, the reason you smile in your sleep. the only one you call yours. i wanna hold your hand to the end. your my favoritest person in the whole world. (: i just love you. i love the connection we get with just a simple kiss, and we know we have something great with just that. i love holding your hand. i love feeling you in my hands, having you there TO touch.

i got two feet & a heartbeat.

im starting to feel like the bad guy...i hate being the bad guy...

i dont know what to do...im soo confussed and hurt. im running out of choices, scared of the ones im making, i know what i want but it seems to be impossible to grab anymore..im fighting for what i want and i will not stop until i get it. ill give up everything i am for it i want it that bad. all in all, you gotta give a little to get a little.

Valentines Day ♥

i wouldnt say im a big fan of valentines day. i dont think there should be one special day to 'celebrate' your love for someone..it should be an everyday thing if you love them. but this year..unlike any other i LOVE that i have my favorite person in the world, the love of my life, my other half to spend it with ♥ it makes this day so much more worth it. I Love You Andrew.

Results

ok so. yesterday at the doctors...i got my blood test and cat scan done && everything is normal supposidly. i had an iv in my arm for an hr and a half..i dont know whats goin on with me, i dont even think the doctors know whats wrong with me
and today with the new meds they gave me..my stomach still hurts, i woke up 4 this morning & felt like i was gunna puke but didnt, and my hands have been shakin since i woke up...*sigh* =/

soo. ive had like this weird migrane for 4 weeks now && the docs gave me 2 types of meds for it...&& they are not working. my stomaches been hurting and doc said it could be my spleen, but nothings wrong there, my headaches/migranes been constant and i never get a break from em..when my stomache hurts my hands shake uncontrolably. and last night was one of the worst migranes yet..i couldnt even move without my head throbbing, every heart beat my head would pound. i woke up 3 times last night because the pain was unbearable && it took awhile to get back to sleep. ive had xrays and test done, but they dont know what to do or what it is. sooo today im going to get a ct scan and a blood test to see what the hells wrong with me cuz i really want this shit to stop...

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.”
― Bob Marley

Cousin Love ♥

Katlyn Smith. I love you girl. You can find a smile on my face on my downest days. Your not only my cousin, but your my best friend. After all the shit we've been through together i dont know where i would be without you. ♥

Andrew. i love you.♥
i would like to get a picture together but he wont let me take his picture..this is one of the rare pictures of him youll see (:

dream vacation i would love to take with him. ♥

Andrew.
baby i love you. life makes sence with you. you make me feel great and beyond happy. the idea of a life without you is not only unbearable, its unimaginable. i could never ask want or need anybody ever but you. you make my world go round. i look forward to everyday with you ♥ you my love. and it just keeps growing. through thick and thin we should be. you are my heart and soul. my other half. you are the one i wanna see day and night. my obsession. my every want. my go in life. i give you my heart in hopes you keep it.you mean the world to me and so much more.to be without you is like drowning in a world of loneliness. i am so deeply in love with you and nothing could ever change that. i love you forever and always. ♥
you get so mad sometimes about my past. like you hate me all the time for what i did, sorry babe but i cant change it. its the past for a reason. i dont ever wanna look back on it, i made some bad god awful mistakes but so does everybody else so why only get pissed at me for what I did. your no more innocent than i am. but ill admit;i made one of the biggest mistakes of my life by lieing to you, i know. im sorry. im so sorry, i wish with everything that i am that i could take it back, i hate myself for doing it, for not thinking before i opened my mouth. and i also know you will never forgive me for it and i understand, in a way maybe i deserve it. i feel guilty as fuck for it. everyday i wake up and i hate me a little more for it and you remind me everyday about how stupid i am for doing that, that i fucked up something good. i understand that it bothers you. i just cant tell you how sorry i am. but you gotta stop. your breakin me down. and maybe thats your goal...but i feel more useless everytime you do. your trying to control me it seems, telling me who i can and cant talk to. what im gunna do. when i turn 18 yes im gunna get my tongue peirced. and dont tell me i cant, and dont be an asshole about it either. its me. im tired of people telling me what i can and cant do. im done being pushed aside for you.oh! and my red notebook it has nothing in there about me bitching. everytime your mad its like you have to find an excuse about my past or something i did that "your mad about" because im so awful arent i?. you say i act like your ex gf and you hate my family because theyre a bunch of druggies and you dont wanna be with someone whos associated with that. oh ok i get it now...your gunna make an excuse about the family to leave again? is that how it goes? im not my family. im not kayla. im me. open your eyes and look.

shit.
shit im just sorry
shit that just happened
shit i just did that
shit.

am i too nice? do i give too much? =/ im sorry i give second chances?.. what do you want from me? i give you what you ask for. i help you when you need it. ive never done any wrong to you. and yet..you keep running away. Why? what makes me so awful for you to feel the need to run away after so long? your gunna do it a third time, for real? if your gunna fucking leave dont beat around the bush and be an ass to me about some goddamn excuse. fucking tell me your leaving me again. just remember. you leave this time, i will not be the same person when you come back. i cant fight this world by myself. i hate fighting with you. i hate argueing. i hate the rage and negativity that you build up about shit like my past. you pick at it like it fuckin happened today! like im still doing it. well i hate to tell yah hun but i cant change what happened, no matter how hard i try. whats done is done and im sorry but i cant change it to the way that you want it to look like.. godamn. i love you, but sometimes, you just drive me nuts. ♥ lighten up some.

theres only so much i can take..i feel sufficated, stressed..everythings piling up i cant break free from it. school, family, life itself..where does it end, when do i get a break? i wanna run and break free and take a day off from all of it. take a day off from life..just for a minute to relax, to clear my head, think for myself..i just need some me time. im in over my head and keep bringing on more shit. my mind is constantly running, and im always moving, its never break time. everything and everyones in a goddamn race. i cant take it anymore, i wanna break down and cry for days just because. i need a way out..

Dad.
i know your trying to "be a good parent" but god damn. its to much. you tell me that i need to learn from my mistakes, how the hell am i suppose to learn from them if you wont even let me make any. let me learn all by myself, if i make a mistake then what do you care anyways!? its my mistake! quit barricading me and smothering me all the time. let me breath. let me live. let me go.. i do love you, and i miss you i really miss you. i miss who you used to be, i miss the you before you were corrupted by girl friends..you changed && im never gunna see that guy again ='/ it really hurts me, and the more i think about it i just....i dont care anymore. if thats who you wanna be, then whatever. im not gunna say shit cuz you are who you are, and if youd rather be brain washed by bimbo girl friends then hold your family together then i guess it goes to show who you really are anyways... your pushing me away. know that. its not just because i wanna "go out and party" or "do my own thing" or whatever else you think..i need to get away. youve lost my respect, and i know your my father and i should always respect you and this and that. but you need to give a little to get a little. youve started drinking again...i hate that shit....you know thats why we left you in the first place. so why continue to after we give you a second chance? you are the reason i hate alcohol so much. i drink very very rarely because i watch how you abuse it and i hate it.. Andrew drinks too. and i hate watching him do it..but i know he doesnt drink like you.. youve lost me... maybe after i leave you'll realize what youve taken for granted and what youve lost, what YOU'VE pushed away..youve already lost one daughter. now you just lost another. i love you, and im sorry. but you did it to yourself..

there comes a time
when you have to choose,
between whats right
and what you want.

pain is only there to
reflect the outcome of either choice,
and burn the world of whatever
thoughts they hold.

unstable with yourself
unsure of your decision,
swallowed with the thoughts
of the future you desire.

torn between the lives
of the people who hold you close,
ripped apart inside
as the past starts to rise.

changing as the world does
blind to who you are,
trying to find the pieces
lost and alone crying out for help.

watching as life passes by
like your stuck on a merry-go-round,
as life spins away out of control
no stopping, but always go.